Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My safe word is Worcestershire
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for