Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
that lip filler tho
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.