You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
dream blunt rotation
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.