if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Getting married soon just need a spouse
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.