My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
(Gaming support cat.)
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.