we all know this pain all too well
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My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.