You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
You Might Also Like
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me, in DM rooms…
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.