GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Body by cheese-puffs.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]