I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk