I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??