You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold