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Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.