Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops