6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
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*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Why soy sad?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.