Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My favorite farside!!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL