hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
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ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.