41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
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Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
car not found
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down