me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Whoa 😂
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?