I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles