you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Growing out my freckles.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now