The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
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When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
good work, everybody
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”