Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
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her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.