reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
You Might Also Like
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.