“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
You Might Also Like
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one