A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream