I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Expect the unexporcupine.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.