everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
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