Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
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How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday