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Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂