Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Pringles
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist