No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Education is vital
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people