My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Ha
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?