Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
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Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit