“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no