Are these grass-fed oranges?
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I was bored.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away