The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
some things should go without saying
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.