Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
peeping toms
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.