Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.