If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.