Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college