just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
😏😏😏
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Whisper out to librarians!
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.