I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
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Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.