The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
He a real one for that
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.