🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
New favorite tiktok
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.