Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
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Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.