Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.