[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
There’s always that one guy
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
A woman drives into a bar.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies