Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
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No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh