Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
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Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Don’t talk down to me
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Kidney stones? Hard pass
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.