Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
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[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Me in tagged photos
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.